How To Have That Hard Conversation

How To Have That Hard Conversation When we are in job search, we feel vulnerable. We might feel incomplete, not strong, less-than, etc. Sometimes, even though we feel all of these things, we need to make a very hard phone call.  This is a call where we say that it was our fault.  We rightfully take the blame.  It might be for something as simple as oh my gosh, I totally missed our lunch appointment and left you stranded in a restaurant for an hour to something harder like I thought I sent that email about you to just the other person, and am totally embarrassed that I sent it to you, too. Yeah, that email that talked poorly about the person that you now have to apologize to. So, how do you handle this?  Whats the best thing to do? My advice is to just make the call. Plan it, first, but dont delay. In your call, you should plan to: Really apologize. This isnt an empty sorry if I offended you or sorry that some people get offended or something like that.  You are not apologizing for their feelings, you are apologizing for what you did, or didnt, do.  Whether they accept your apology or not is not on you.  Even if they choose to yell at you, and tell you why you are horrible, that is not on you.  You are simply and sincerely apologizing. Minimize excuses. Many times I can tell people sorry, my call went over, and thats why I missed our call.  But I wasnt on a call in the first place.  I could give a white lie excuse, and it really would be no big deal.  But, to me, it is a big deal. Its a question of personal integrity. Its better for me to not give an excuse, or make something up, and just own that I made a mistake.  I find the more people give excuses that I dont need to hear, the lamer they sound, and the less apologetic they seem.  So, simply leave it at the apology, and let them know that youll share WHY, or your excuses, but only if they care.  The important thing is Im sorry. Accept the right and fair amount of responsibility. If you did wrong, then own up to it. If they have some ownership in the wrong, then you dont need to own that, but dont turn this into a blame game. Whether they own up or not is NOT on you.  Whether they apologize or not is NOT on you.  You just do what is under your control, and do it sincerely. Be ready to have this be water under the bridge. If you apologize, and they accept, then move on.  You dont need to rehash this. Your mistake doesnt necessarily define you as a person.  You need to forgive yourself, too.  It doesnt take too long working with people to know that apologizing, while it can be just a few short words, is a BIG step in building a relationship of trust and professionalism (and friendship).  Dont dwell on this, be as good as you know you are (or as good as others think you are). Realize that they dont have to accept your apology. If they dont, thats okay. Youve done what you can. Relationships, and people, are complex. But youll know that youve done the right thing, for the right reason, and youll show you are a person of integrity. I recently had a call like this.  It was a genuine call where the person apologizing was very sincere, obviously uncomfortable, and took full ownership.  The other person accepted the apology just fine, and that was that.  Any harm done was easily rectified with this simple communication, even though it was a hard call to make. Trust me, making these calls will help your relationships stronger rather than just ignoring the problem and hoping it fades away. How To Have That Hard Conversation When we are in job search, we feel vulnerable. We might feel incomplete, not strong, less-than, etc. Sometimes, even though we feel all of these things, we need to make a very hard phone call.  This is a call where we say that it was our fault.  We rightfully take the blame.  It might be for something as simple as oh my gosh, I totally missed our lunch appointment and left you stranded in a restaurant for an hour to something harder like I thought I sent that email about you to just the other person, and am totally embarrassed that I sent it to you, too. Yeah, that email that talked poorly about the person that you now have to apologize to. So, how do you handle this?  Whats the best thing to do? My advice is to just make the call. Plan it, first, but dont delay. In your call, you should plan to: Really apologize. This isnt an empty sorry if I offended you or sorry that some people get offended or something like that.  You are not apologizing for their feelings, you are apologizing for what you did, or didnt, do.  Whether they accept your apology or not is not on you.  Even if they choose to yell at you, and tell you why you are horrible, that is not on you.  You are simply and sincerely apologizing. Minimize excuses. Many times I can tell people sorry, my call went over, and thats why I missed our call.  But I wasnt on a call in the first place.  I could give a white lie excuse, and it really would be no big deal.  But, to me, it is a big deal. Its a question of personal integrity. Its better for me to not give an excuse, or make something up, and just own that I made a mistake.  I find the more people give excuses that I dont need to hear, the lamer they sound, and the less apologetic they seem.  So, simply leave it at the apology, and let them know that youll share WHY, or your excuses, but only if they care.  The important thing is Im sorry. Accept the right and fair amount of responsibility. If you did wrong, then own up to it. If they have some ownership in the wrong, then you dont need to own that, but dont turn this into a blame game. Whether they own up or not is NOT on you.  Whether they apologize or not is NOT on you.  You just do what is under your control, and do it sincerely. Be ready to have this be water under the bridge. If you apologize, and they accept, then move on.  You dont need to rehash this. Your mistake doesnt necessarily define you as a person.  You need to forgive yourself, too.  It doesnt take too long working with people to know that apologizing, while it can be just a few short words, is a BIG step in building a relationship of trust and professionalism (and friendship).  Dont dwell on this, be as good as you know you are (or as good as others think you are). Realize that they dont have to accept your apology. If they dont, thats okay. Youve done what you can. Relationships, and people, are complex. But youll know that youve done the right thing, for the right reason, and youll show you are a person of integrity. I recently had a call like this.  It was a genuine call where the person apologizing was very sincere, obviously uncomfortable, and took full ownership.  The other person accepted the apology just fine, and that was that.  Any harm done was easily rectified with this simple communication, even though it was a hard call to make. Trust me, making these calls will help your relationships stronger rather than just ignoring the problem and hoping it fades away.